Daily Interdimensional Diary:28 October 2008:Part Eight (Section 15)
Daily Interdimensional Diary: 28 October 2008
God of Man: The Physical: Part Eight (Section 15)
8.
Written Words of Experience:
And when this happens, I know she’s won, because she got me to tears again.
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my mother winning and me losing, because of me starting to cry within the surge of emotions/feelings that rise up within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my mother as ‘winning,’ because of me believing that she’s the cause, the problem of me crying, the emotional/feeling turmoil that rises up within me, and because of this – she’s ‘won,’ because I believe that ‘she’s the one that got me to tears.’
Insight/Understanding/Realisation:
Questions:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me through manifesting the thought, ‘I know SHE’S WON’?
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, through manifesting blame towards her of it being her fault that SHE’S got me to tears AGAIN?
Question 1:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, through manifesting the thought ‘I know SHE’S WON’?
1. That I am accepting and allowing myself to exist in ‘competition’ as the polarity-construct of win and lose.
2. That I within and during the experience with my mother accepted and allowed myself to exist within ‘competition’ – as wanting to ‘win the fight.
3. Because I experienced within me I ‘lost,’ I ‘walked out of the conversation running off in tears,’ the thought manifested within me that ‘she’s won’ – implying within this, that ‘I lost.’
4. ‘A battle of who can scream and yell louder and ‘hurt’ the other more’ through acting out in suppressed emotions/feelings – is the essence of such conflicting/confrontational events that end up in a fight, deliberate self-abuse unto self and another as self – wherein the one or the other must ‘take the brunt of it all’ – as the polarity-play out of inferiority and superiority as win or lose take place.
5. The statement ‘I know SHE’S WON’ – also spoken within deliberate spite of anger, due to me accepting and allowing myself to blame all of me and what I experience within me, unto her.
6. This anger existing within me, that manifested the spiteful thought ‘I know she’s won’ directed towards my mother within blame – is due to me actually knowing/understanding that I in my self-dishonesty, did not succeed to manipulate the situation to ‘have it go my way’ as I ‘wanted the outcome to end up in’ – and thus experienced this as ‘me losing the fight.’
7. Therefore, I was angry – actually angry with myself towards myself, because I didn’t succeed to manipulate my mother or the situation to have it go the way I wanted it to, and in my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty, directed this anger of me towards her in blame through manifesting the spiteful thought of: I know she’s won.’ Doing this to continue hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty of attempting to and trying to manipulate another through acting out in reactions of emotions/feelings to have a situation play-out the way I want it to.
8. And because the situation did not play-out the way I wanted it to, within which I would’ve experienced myself being ‘satisfied’ with myself – I experienced the opposite of reacting in anger and hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty through blame and spitefulness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as competition as the polarity-construct of win and lose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and during the conversation with my mother, participated within the starting point of competition as ‘wanting to with the fight.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest and define and within the definition exist as the construct of competition as win and lose, according to and as manifested outside experiences that take place in my world separate from me, such as having fights with my mother.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that within manifesting the thought ‘I know she’s won,’ I’m implying of myself that I have ‘lost.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘losing’ as me running off in tears and be the one that walk away in a surge of emotional/feeling reactions from a confrontation with my mother that turned into a fight.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the accepted and allowed existence and definition of me as ‘competition’ within the construct of ‘win and lose.’ I believed that my mother is the one that ‘won,’ because I was the one that ran off in, perceiving myself to be the one that was ‘affected more’ because of the fight and therefore I was the one that ‘lost.’
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that the ‘essence’ of such conflicting /confrontational events with my mother that always turn into and end up as a fight – exists as a ‘battle’ of who can scream and yell more vigorously and act out and act in their suppressed emotions/feelings exerted out unto another, to the utmost extent – to see who can ‘harm’ the other most.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that accepted and allowed participation from my part within such fights wherein I act out and act in my accepted and allowed self-dishonest emotional/feeling tantrums – is accepted and allowed self-abuse and abuse of another as me – as such events bring nothing but unnecessary compromise for both involved and is but an opportunity for me to support my accepted and allowed self-dishonest existence of abusing another as me – through using them as a means to exert out all of my accepted and allowed suppressions.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that such ‘fights’ with my mother is but the manifested accepted and allowed polarity-play out of inferiority and superiority as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as – within the game played of competition as win or lose to which I have also accepted and allowed myself to define me as – wherein the polarity existence of superiority and inferiority of me – attempt to ‘battle it out’ within the game of competition as win or lose towards another as me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the statement manifested within me of ‘I know SHE’S WON’ was manifested from within the starting point of spite originating from anger within me – created through my accepted and allowed deliberate act of blaming all that I experience within me and my world unto her.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that the origin of the anger within me, from which I manifested the thought towards my mother in spitefulness through the construct of blame – is because of me not succeeding within manipulating my mother and the situation to have it turn out the way I wanted it to – meaning to win, and because I didn’t win, I experienced me ‘losing the fight’ which manifested the origin of anger within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger within me and direct this anger in spitefulness towards my mother through wanting to blame her, when all the while, the anger existent within me – was a tantrum I throw as an further attempt to manipulate, because I didn’t win the fight, because it didn’t go MY way, the I way I wanted it to go – to so satisfy my own accepted and allowed self-dishonest ego.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I deliberately react in anger within myself, manifesting this anger as blame directed towards my mother in spitefulness – to continue hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty of attempting to and trying to manipulate another through acting out in reactions of emotions/feelings to have a situation play-out the way I want it to.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that the deliberate action of me reacting in anger and hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty through blame and spitefulness only because my attempt at manipulating the situation and my mother to have the event play-out the way I wanted it to- was an opposite-polarity manifestation of myself as how I would’ve experienced myself if I succeeded to manipulate my mother and the situation with it going the way I wanted it to - I would’ve experienced satisfaction, satisfying my self-dishonest ego of manipulation.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I would’ve experienced satisfaction if my attempt at manipulating my mother through reactive emotions and feelings and acting out in them succeeded, because I would’ve then ‘won the fight’ wherein she’d give into my accepted and allowed self-dishonest manipulation tactics.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that because I didn’t ‘win the fight’ – I was angry at myself, towards myself because my self-dishonest manipulation-tactics didn’t work – hence the frustration also manifesting within me – because I didn’t ‘get my way’ and the anger as blame and spitefulness directed towards her within me, because she didn’t ‘give in’ to my self-dishonest maneuvers.
Question 2:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, through manifesting blame towards her of it being her fault that SHE’S got me to tears AGAIN?
9. Within the question already exist the response: Blame – this is but another manifestation of the exact same origin as accepted and allowed blame directed towards another as my mother as an attempt to hide the directive principle of me as taking self responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing to exist, create and manifest in me.
10. I realize and see in self honesty as me here – that it is indeed not my mother’s fault in bringing me to tears. I bring myself to tears through accepting and allowing myself to participate and continue participating in reactions of emotions/feelings that eventually compound and intensify to the extent wherein I act out in them through crying, yelling and screaming.
11. At the same time, I now see and understand, that I’ve been utilizing ‘crying’ as a manipulation tactic as an attempt to ‘sway my mother into giving into how I want the conversation to go to have it be the way I want it to be.’
12. Further, I understand that blame is but an attempt to hide and continue my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty, as for example, with me stating ‘that it’s her fault, that she’s got me to tears’ actually reflects back to me accepting and allowing myself to be the cause of why I am accepting and allowing myself to cry in the first place.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that in the questions I ask – already exists the response of the insight/understanding/realization – because in me having the ability to ask the question, actually implies that I already have the response as insight/understanding/realization.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that stating, ‘she got me to tears again’ is but another derivative of the exact same origin as the accepted and allowed definition of me as blame, in manifesting such blameful thoughts towards another, because of me not standing up in taking self-responsibility of the directive principle of me that is me here – but accepting and allowing myself to hide my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty through blame.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I deliberately use blame as exerting accepted and allowed emotions/feelings existent within me unto another in my mind of thoughts – because of me not taking self-responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing to exist, create and manifest within me of me by me and me alone.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self honestly recognize and see that it is not my mother that is the one bringing me to tears – I manifest me as crying through accepting and allowing myself to participate in reactions existent of me in me and continuing to accept and allow myself to participate in such reactions, which eventually, through my accepted and allowed continued participation compound to the extent wherein it manifest as crying.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self honestly see, recognize and realize that I have been deliberately utilizing crying as a manipulation tactic as an attempt to ‘sway my mother into giving into how I want the conversation to go to have it be the way I want it to be.’
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self honestly see, realize and recognize that I then deliberate continue to participate in reactions existent within me of me to the point of manifesting it in the formed physical expression of crying – to deliberately utilize this as a method of manipulating another – to give into my manipulation-tactic through and as crying, yelling and screaming within reactions of compounded emotions/feelings.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I have been utilizing blame deliberately as an attempt to hide me from myself as my own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty – as blame actually reflects me back to myself directly, within for example me blaming my mother stating ‘it’s her fault, that she’s the one bringing me to tears’ – when all the while it is me that is the cause of how and why I am accepting and allowing myself to cry in the first place.
Practical Corrective Action to be taken:
Question:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to continue existing within competition of win or lose which only fuel the definition of me of mind as superiority/inferiority?
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to continue using anger, blame and spitefulness to hide my own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty – and stand up and take self responsibility for me?
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to use deliberate crying through deliberate participation in reactions surging up within me?
Question 1:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to continue existing within competition of win or lose which only fuel the definition of me of mind as superiority/inferiority?
Firstly, I specifically identify the origin of competition within me as the construct of win or lose and how this pertains to the self-definition of me as superiority and inferiority – to no more accept or allow myself to only initiate and participate within conversations with my mother created into a fight – because ‘I want to win and have it go my way.’ Utilizing the construct of competition to from this starting point – manipulates my mother to have her give into my indirectly stated demands.
(NOTE: I’ll be returning to this section at the end of this Process we’re moving through now – to give an practical example of how this is done)
Though for the moment, I will no more accept or allow myself to engage in a conversation with my mother from within a starting point of reaction of emotions and feelings, because I now understand that in accepting and allowing myself to act and react in a starting point of emotions/feelings towards my mother – is the method I use to initiate the ‘competition construct as the fight of win or lose’ and I will no more accept or allow myself to support such a self-dishonest existence of me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop myself from existing as competition as the construct of win or lose, but continued to accept and allow myself to exist as such a definition – and then still accept and allow myself to blame an event on another, when I was a direct participant in it all due to my accepted and allowed starting point of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the ‘competition’ as the existence of me to which I have defined me within the polarity of win and lose, from within this starting point that is me – manipulate my mother and events to have it go the way I want it to and have my mother give in to my indirectly stated demands.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to engage in a conversation with my mother from within the starting point of me as reactions of emotions and feelings when I already before-hand know and understand, where it will lead to for both of us.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I deliberately use reactions of emotions and feelings towards my mother, to initiate the competition construct of win or lose within me, existent of me and as me to which I have defined myself – as an deliberate manipulation tactic to have events flow and turn out the way I want them to.
Question 2:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to continue using anger, blame and spitefulness to hide my own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty – and stand up and take self responsibility for me?
I have already looked at this particular point with regards to blame, in using blame as a means to hide my own accepted and allowed self dishonesty – that it is me bringing myself to tears and not my mother and that I am to return to this point to specifically investigate the construct of blame existent within me from within the starting point of anger. Wherein the anger is actually directed towards me – but hiding this through blame and spitefulness to continue existing in self dishonesty.
Though for the moment, I will no more accept or allow myself to blame or even participate in thoughts of blame through entering the self-dishonest act of spitefulness – because I know/understand that such blame is hiding a part/point of me that I project towards another – which is deliberate accepted and allowed self dishonesty – NO MORE!
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that this point of blame identified within the starting point of anger in utilizing spitefulness through stating that it is ‘my mother bringing me to tears’ – is but another derivative of the exact same starting point of blame that I use to hide my own accepted and allowed self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing in blame through spitefulness within the starting point of exerting, through such a method, my anger of me towards me, unto another – instead of immediately stopping myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I am supporting my own accepted and allowed self dishonesty through creating tactics and methods within the starting point of self dishonesty to ensure my accepted and allowed existence as self dishonesty to which I have defined me and continued to accept and allow myself to exist – self abusing and self compromising me here and others as me deliberately within this – to only look out for and gain my own self interests.
Question 3:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to use deliberate crying through deliberate participation in reactions surging up within me?
Simplicity: Simply no more accept or allow myself to from the starting point of the conversation react in emotions and feelings and simply not accept or allow myself to continue participating in emotions and feelings, but STOP IMMEDIATELY and assist and support me to slow down here as breath.
Because I now understand and realize that if I were to accept and allow myself to react and continue participating in such reactions in the beginning, during and/or after the conversation with my mother and want to start crying or even begin crying – I am existing as manipulation and will be obvious deliberate self deception within self dishonesty.
I will no more accept or allow myself to deceive myself or another through manipulation as the physical act of crying – and therefore simply not accept or allow myself to in the beginning, from the start participate in reactions or continue participating in reactions – I STOP IMMEDIATELY HERE.
I am to identify towards who, where, when and what I also use crying as manipulation – to stop this self-dishonest existence of me and for once stand up and take self responsibility in being the directive principle of me – and no more accept or allow myself to use manipulation and blame to hide my self dishonest existence.
(NOTE: I’ll be returning to this section at the end of this Process we’re moving through now – to give a practical example of how this is done)
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to live and apply the simplicity as the solution that is me of stopping a fight from ending up in the way it always does – through changing me as the starting point of me within engaging in a conversation with my mother – through simply stopping myself from accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions/feelings as reaction existent within me and of me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to IMMEDIATELY STOP the moment I experience reactions of emotions/feelings within me when I know where it’ll lead to if I continue to participate in them as compromising both me and my mother as me – but continued to accept and allow myself to exist as reactions – because of me deliberately wanting to continue existing in my self dishonest self definition of me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that in accepting and allowing myself to react in emotions/feelings and continue participating within them, is deliberately self-deception unto me and towards my mother as me – because I utilize such a starting point to manipulate both her and me in self dishonesty – to only fend for my own self-interests of having a conversation go and end up the way I want it to.
Bruce L.
Edited by: Darryl Thomas
God of Man: The Physical: Part Eight (Section 15)
8.
Written Words of Experience:
And when this happens, I know she’s won, because she got me to tears again.
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my mother winning and me losing, because of me starting to cry within the surge of emotions/feelings that rise up within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my mother as ‘winning,’ because of me believing that she’s the cause, the problem of me crying, the emotional/feeling turmoil that rises up within me, and because of this – she’s ‘won,’ because I believe that ‘she’s the one that got me to tears.’
Insight/Understanding/Realisation:
Questions:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me through manifesting the thought, ‘I know SHE’S WON’?
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, through manifesting blame towards her of it being her fault that SHE’S got me to tears AGAIN?
Question 1:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, through manifesting the thought ‘I know SHE’S WON’?
1. That I am accepting and allowing myself to exist in ‘competition’ as the polarity-construct of win and lose.
2. That I within and during the experience with my mother accepted and allowed myself to exist within ‘competition’ – as wanting to ‘win the fight.
3. Because I experienced within me I ‘lost,’ I ‘walked out of the conversation running off in tears,’ the thought manifested within me that ‘she’s won’ – implying within this, that ‘I lost.’
4. ‘A battle of who can scream and yell louder and ‘hurt’ the other more’ through acting out in suppressed emotions/feelings – is the essence of such conflicting/confrontational events that end up in a fight, deliberate self-abuse unto self and another as self – wherein the one or the other must ‘take the brunt of it all’ – as the polarity-play out of inferiority and superiority as win or lose take place.
5. The statement ‘I know SHE’S WON’ – also spoken within deliberate spite of anger, due to me accepting and allowing myself to blame all of me and what I experience within me, unto her.
6. This anger existing within me, that manifested the spiteful thought ‘I know she’s won’ directed towards my mother within blame – is due to me actually knowing/understanding that I in my self-dishonesty, did not succeed to manipulate the situation to ‘have it go my way’ as I ‘wanted the outcome to end up in’ – and thus experienced this as ‘me losing the fight.’
7. Therefore, I was angry – actually angry with myself towards myself, because I didn’t succeed to manipulate my mother or the situation to have it go the way I wanted it to, and in my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty, directed this anger of me towards her in blame through manifesting the spiteful thought of: I know she’s won.’ Doing this to continue hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty of attempting to and trying to manipulate another through acting out in reactions of emotions/feelings to have a situation play-out the way I want it to.
8. And because the situation did not play-out the way I wanted it to, within which I would’ve experienced myself being ‘satisfied’ with myself – I experienced the opposite of reacting in anger and hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty through blame and spitefulness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as competition as the polarity-construct of win and lose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and during the conversation with my mother, participated within the starting point of competition as ‘wanting to with the fight.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest and define and within the definition exist as the construct of competition as win and lose, according to and as manifested outside experiences that take place in my world separate from me, such as having fights with my mother.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that within manifesting the thought ‘I know she’s won,’ I’m implying of myself that I have ‘lost.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘losing’ as me running off in tears and be the one that walk away in a surge of emotional/feeling reactions from a confrontation with my mother that turned into a fight.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the accepted and allowed existence and definition of me as ‘competition’ within the construct of ‘win and lose.’ I believed that my mother is the one that ‘won,’ because I was the one that ran off in, perceiving myself to be the one that was ‘affected more’ because of the fight and therefore I was the one that ‘lost.’
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that the ‘essence’ of such conflicting /confrontational events with my mother that always turn into and end up as a fight – exists as a ‘battle’ of who can scream and yell more vigorously and act out and act in their suppressed emotions/feelings exerted out unto another, to the utmost extent – to see who can ‘harm’ the other most.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that accepted and allowed participation from my part within such fights wherein I act out and act in my accepted and allowed self-dishonest emotional/feeling tantrums – is accepted and allowed self-abuse and abuse of another as me – as such events bring nothing but unnecessary compromise for both involved and is but an opportunity for me to support my accepted and allowed self-dishonest existence of abusing another as me – through using them as a means to exert out all of my accepted and allowed suppressions.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that such ‘fights’ with my mother is but the manifested accepted and allowed polarity-play out of inferiority and superiority as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as – within the game played of competition as win or lose to which I have also accepted and allowed myself to define me as – wherein the polarity existence of superiority and inferiority of me – attempt to ‘battle it out’ within the game of competition as win or lose towards another as me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the statement manifested within me of ‘I know SHE’S WON’ was manifested from within the starting point of spite originating from anger within me – created through my accepted and allowed deliberate act of blaming all that I experience within me and my world unto her.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that the origin of the anger within me, from which I manifested the thought towards my mother in spitefulness through the construct of blame – is because of me not succeeding within manipulating my mother and the situation to have it turn out the way I wanted it to – meaning to win, and because I didn’t win, I experienced me ‘losing the fight’ which manifested the origin of anger within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger within me and direct this anger in spitefulness towards my mother through wanting to blame her, when all the while, the anger existent within me – was a tantrum I throw as an further attempt to manipulate, because I didn’t win the fight, because it didn’t go MY way, the I way I wanted it to go – to so satisfy my own accepted and allowed self-dishonest ego.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I deliberately react in anger within myself, manifesting this anger as blame directed towards my mother in spitefulness – to continue hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty of attempting to and trying to manipulate another through acting out in reactions of emotions/feelings to have a situation play-out the way I want it to.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that the deliberate action of me reacting in anger and hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty through blame and spitefulness only because my attempt at manipulating the situation and my mother to have the event play-out the way I wanted it to- was an opposite-polarity manifestation of myself as how I would’ve experienced myself if I succeeded to manipulate my mother and the situation with it going the way I wanted it to - I would’ve experienced satisfaction, satisfying my self-dishonest ego of manipulation.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I would’ve experienced satisfaction if my attempt at manipulating my mother through reactive emotions and feelings and acting out in them succeeded, because I would’ve then ‘won the fight’ wherein she’d give into my accepted and allowed self-dishonest manipulation tactics.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that because I didn’t ‘win the fight’ – I was angry at myself, towards myself because my self-dishonest manipulation-tactics didn’t work – hence the frustration also manifesting within me – because I didn’t ‘get my way’ and the anger as blame and spitefulness directed towards her within me, because she didn’t ‘give in’ to my self-dishonest maneuvers.
Question 2:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, through manifesting blame towards her of it being her fault that SHE’S got me to tears AGAIN?
9. Within the question already exist the response: Blame – this is but another manifestation of the exact same origin as accepted and allowed blame directed towards another as my mother as an attempt to hide the directive principle of me as taking self responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing to exist, create and manifest in me.
10. I realize and see in self honesty as me here – that it is indeed not my mother’s fault in bringing me to tears. I bring myself to tears through accepting and allowing myself to participate and continue participating in reactions of emotions/feelings that eventually compound and intensify to the extent wherein I act out in them through crying, yelling and screaming.
11. At the same time, I now see and understand, that I’ve been utilizing ‘crying’ as a manipulation tactic as an attempt to ‘sway my mother into giving into how I want the conversation to go to have it be the way I want it to be.’
12. Further, I understand that blame is but an attempt to hide and continue my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty, as for example, with me stating ‘that it’s her fault, that she’s got me to tears’ actually reflects back to me accepting and allowing myself to be the cause of why I am accepting and allowing myself to cry in the first place.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that in the questions I ask – already exists the response of the insight/understanding/realization – because in me having the ability to ask the question, actually implies that I already have the response as insight/understanding/realization.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that stating, ‘she got me to tears again’ is but another derivative of the exact same origin as the accepted and allowed definition of me as blame, in manifesting such blameful thoughts towards another, because of me not standing up in taking self-responsibility of the directive principle of me that is me here – but accepting and allowing myself to hide my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty through blame.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I deliberately use blame as exerting accepted and allowed emotions/feelings existent within me unto another in my mind of thoughts – because of me not taking self-responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing to exist, create and manifest within me of me by me and me alone.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self honestly recognize and see that it is not my mother that is the one bringing me to tears – I manifest me as crying through accepting and allowing myself to participate in reactions existent of me in me and continuing to accept and allow myself to participate in such reactions, which eventually, through my accepted and allowed continued participation compound to the extent wherein it manifest as crying.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self honestly see, recognize and realize that I have been deliberately utilizing crying as a manipulation tactic as an attempt to ‘sway my mother into giving into how I want the conversation to go to have it be the way I want it to be.’
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self honestly see, realize and recognize that I then deliberate continue to participate in reactions existent within me of me to the point of manifesting it in the formed physical expression of crying – to deliberately utilize this as a method of manipulating another – to give into my manipulation-tactic through and as crying, yelling and screaming within reactions of compounded emotions/feelings.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I have been utilizing blame deliberately as an attempt to hide me from myself as my own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty – as blame actually reflects me back to myself directly, within for example me blaming my mother stating ‘it’s her fault, that she’s the one bringing me to tears’ – when all the while it is me that is the cause of how and why I am accepting and allowing myself to cry in the first place.
Practical Corrective Action to be taken:
Question:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to continue existing within competition of win or lose which only fuel the definition of me of mind as superiority/inferiority?
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to continue using anger, blame and spitefulness to hide my own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty – and stand up and take self responsibility for me?
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to use deliberate crying through deliberate participation in reactions surging up within me?
Question 1:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to continue existing within competition of win or lose which only fuel the definition of me of mind as superiority/inferiority?
Firstly, I specifically identify the origin of competition within me as the construct of win or lose and how this pertains to the self-definition of me as superiority and inferiority – to no more accept or allow myself to only initiate and participate within conversations with my mother created into a fight – because ‘I want to win and have it go my way.’ Utilizing the construct of competition to from this starting point – manipulates my mother to have her give into my indirectly stated demands.
(NOTE: I’ll be returning to this section at the end of this Process we’re moving through now – to give an practical example of how this is done)
Though for the moment, I will no more accept or allow myself to engage in a conversation with my mother from within a starting point of reaction of emotions and feelings, because I now understand that in accepting and allowing myself to act and react in a starting point of emotions/feelings towards my mother – is the method I use to initiate the ‘competition construct as the fight of win or lose’ and I will no more accept or allow myself to support such a self-dishonest existence of me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop myself from existing as competition as the construct of win or lose, but continued to accept and allow myself to exist as such a definition – and then still accept and allow myself to blame an event on another, when I was a direct participant in it all due to my accepted and allowed starting point of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the ‘competition’ as the existence of me to which I have defined me within the polarity of win and lose, from within this starting point that is me – manipulate my mother and events to have it go the way I want it to and have my mother give in to my indirectly stated demands.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to engage in a conversation with my mother from within the starting point of me as reactions of emotions and feelings when I already before-hand know and understand, where it will lead to for both of us.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I deliberately use reactions of emotions and feelings towards my mother, to initiate the competition construct of win or lose within me, existent of me and as me to which I have defined myself – as an deliberate manipulation tactic to have events flow and turn out the way I want them to.
Question 2:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to continue using anger, blame and spitefulness to hide my own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty – and stand up and take self responsibility for me?
I have already looked at this particular point with regards to blame, in using blame as a means to hide my own accepted and allowed self dishonesty – that it is me bringing myself to tears and not my mother and that I am to return to this point to specifically investigate the construct of blame existent within me from within the starting point of anger. Wherein the anger is actually directed towards me – but hiding this through blame and spitefulness to continue existing in self dishonesty.
Though for the moment, I will no more accept or allow myself to blame or even participate in thoughts of blame through entering the self-dishonest act of spitefulness – because I know/understand that such blame is hiding a part/point of me that I project towards another – which is deliberate accepted and allowed self dishonesty – NO MORE!
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that this point of blame identified within the starting point of anger in utilizing spitefulness through stating that it is ‘my mother bringing me to tears’ – is but another derivative of the exact same starting point of blame that I use to hide my own accepted and allowed self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing in blame through spitefulness within the starting point of exerting, through such a method, my anger of me towards me, unto another – instead of immediately stopping myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I am supporting my own accepted and allowed self dishonesty through creating tactics and methods within the starting point of self dishonesty to ensure my accepted and allowed existence as self dishonesty to which I have defined me and continued to accept and allow myself to exist – self abusing and self compromising me here and others as me deliberately within this – to only look out for and gain my own self interests.
Question 3:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept or allow myself to use deliberate crying through deliberate participation in reactions surging up within me?
Simplicity: Simply no more accept or allow myself to from the starting point of the conversation react in emotions and feelings and simply not accept or allow myself to continue participating in emotions and feelings, but STOP IMMEDIATELY and assist and support me to slow down here as breath.
Because I now understand and realize that if I were to accept and allow myself to react and continue participating in such reactions in the beginning, during and/or after the conversation with my mother and want to start crying or even begin crying – I am existing as manipulation and will be obvious deliberate self deception within self dishonesty.
I will no more accept or allow myself to deceive myself or another through manipulation as the physical act of crying – and therefore simply not accept or allow myself to in the beginning, from the start participate in reactions or continue participating in reactions – I STOP IMMEDIATELY HERE.
I am to identify towards who, where, when and what I also use crying as manipulation – to stop this self-dishonest existence of me and for once stand up and take self responsibility in being the directive principle of me – and no more accept or allow myself to use manipulation and blame to hide my self dishonest existence.
(NOTE: I’ll be returning to this section at the end of this Process we’re moving through now – to give a practical example of how this is done)
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to live and apply the simplicity as the solution that is me of stopping a fight from ending up in the way it always does – through changing me as the starting point of me within engaging in a conversation with my mother – through simply stopping myself from accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions/feelings as reaction existent within me and of me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to IMMEDIATELY STOP the moment I experience reactions of emotions/feelings within me when I know where it’ll lead to if I continue to participate in them as compromising both me and my mother as me – but continued to accept and allow myself to exist as reactions – because of me deliberately wanting to continue existing in my self dishonest self definition of me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that in accepting and allowing myself to react in emotions/feelings and continue participating within them, is deliberately self-deception unto me and towards my mother as me – because I utilize such a starting point to manipulate both her and me in self dishonesty – to only fend for my own self-interests of having a conversation go and end up the way I want it to.
Bruce L.
Edited by: Darryl Thomas
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