Daily Interdimensional Diary:27 October 2008:Part Eight (Section 14)

[Sunette]

Daily Interdimensional Diary: 27 October 2008

God of Man: The Physical: Part Eight (Section 14)

7.
Written Words of Experience:
All our conversations end up going this route – starting with confrontation/conflict which ends up us both screaming/yelling at each other, me in absolute emotional/feeling turmoil as tears of anger and frustration rise up within me and me running off, blaming her for why I’m experiencing myself this way, that it’s her fault, she’s the problem in my life and that I’m the victim in it all.

Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the ‘all-knowing’ / ‘already knowing’ that conversations with my mother will end up going the exact same route of starting with confrontation/conflict, which ends up as us both screaming/yelling at each other and me in absolute emotional/feeling turmoil as tears of anger and frustration rise up within me, with me eventually running off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already in the beginning of the conversation with my mother, exist in expectation of where it’ll eventually, inevitably lead to, because it happens/occurs/manifests exactly the same way always.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself during and after a confrontational/conflicting event/situation with my mother – to always react in emotional/feeling turmoil within, which I express/act out through yelling/screaming back which eventually, inevitably lead to me running off in tears of anger and frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always, during a confrontational event/situation with my mother – when my mother starts expressing herself as I experience her as ‘authority’ and starts yelling/screaming – to immediately going into ‘reaction-mode’ within myself as emotional/feeling turmoil and start expressing exactly towards her, as she is towards me, because of what I’m experiencing within me, due to the immediate reaction that take place as the surge of emotions/feelings rise up within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her for what I’m experiencing within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that she is the cause for what I’m experiencing within me, therefore me blaming her for what I’m experiencing within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience what I’m experiencing within myself as the surge of emotional/feeling turmoil, and me acting out in it through yelling/screaming as being her fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience her as being the problem in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as ‘being the victim’ within it all, because of the experience within me, that she is the cause of everything that I experience within me during such a confrontational/conflicting event with her.

Insight/Understanding/Realisation:

Questions:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, with conversations between my mother and I, always going down the exact same route: Starting with confrontation/conflict which ends up us both screaming/yelling at each other, me in absolute emotional/feeling turmoil as tears of anger and frustration rise up within me and me running off?

What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, through be experiencing myself as a ‘victim’ as thoughts of blame such as it’s her fault and that she’s the problem in my life manifest within me, directed towards her?

Question 1:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, with conversations between my mother and I, always going down the exact same route: Starting with confrontation/conflict which ends up us both screaming/yelling at each other, me in absolute emotional/feeling turmoil as tears of anger and frustration rise up within me and me running off?

1. Within the conversations with my mother ALWAYS GOING DOWN THE EXACT SAME ROUTE, begs the question: Why am I accepting and allowing the conversations with my mother to always go into and end up the exact same way? Constantly continuing to accept and allow myself to exist as and express exactly the same, leaving us both experiencing ourselves exactly the same – resolving nothing, only intensifying the emotions and feelings between us both, hindering our ‘relationship’ with and towards each other extensively?
2. Therefore – I haven’t stopped myself from accepting and allowing myself to continue participating in the surge of emotions/feelings which eventually compound to the extent wherein I act out the surge through yelling and screaming and thus, I am self-responsible for the route the conversation with my mother goes and ending up in a fight, with me yelling and screaming and eventually running off.
3. I also notice that in the beginning of such conversations, I already anticipate where it’ll lead to and eventually end. Again, why am I not stopping myself from going into the exact same expressed actions? I already know before hand where it’s going to lead to and eventually end if I accept and allow myself to react in and participate in emotions/feelings within me?
4. I realize that I’m the one to take self-responsibility for me here and no more accept or allow myself to justify my actions through using me mother’s particular expression as a reason for why I’m accepting and allowing myself to express/act in a certain manner/way.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to ask myself the question of why I am accepting and allowing conversations with my mother to always go into and end up in the exact same why.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I’m self responsible for constantly continuing to accept and allow myself to exist as and express exactly the same, leaving us both experiencing ourselves exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize and see that such conversations with my mother within which I directly participate that always end up in a fight, resolve nothing and only worsens and intensifies the relationship between and towards myself and my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize the common sense within such conversations with my mother that always end up in a fight, compromising us both in the end – that within it always leading to and ending up in exactly the same way: Why am I not stopping if I already know/understanding where it’s going to lead to and eventually end up?

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that in essence, I have no right to become frustrated, angered and irritated within such conversations with my mother that always lead to and end up in and as the exact same way: Because I already anticipated where it’ll go – and still didn’t stop, but continued to exist as and express the exact same way I always do.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to react in emotions/feelings the moment I anticipated where the conversation with my mother would lead to and eventually end up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to apply and live my self-responsibility of me towards me and my mother as me, from no more accepting and allowing myself to participate in that within me, which I know where it’ll eventually lead to and end, through no more accepting and allowing myself to justify my actions through what my mother is expressing towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame as justification to hide my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty as direct participation in such conversations with my mother that always lead to and end up in the exact same way – through blaming her, to justify why I acted and expressed in certain specific manners/ways – when all the while it was all me, accepting and allowing myself to exist in and participate within accepted and allowed reactions of emotions/feelings of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately participate in conversations with my mother from within a starting point reaction of a surge of emotions and feelings – and then still deliberately accept and allow myself to blame it all on her, when the truth of it all – is that I am self-responsible and I accepted and allowed my emotional/feeling participation within it all directly and this have no right to blame it all on her.

Question 2:
What is being revealed of what I am accepting and allowing within me, through be experiencing myself as a ‘victim’ as thoughts of blame such as it’s her fault and that she’s the problem in my life manifest within me, directed towards her?

5. I am creating myself to experience myself as the ‘victim’ through manifesting thoughts of blame towards her such as it being ‘her fault’ and that ‘she’s the problem in my life.’.
6. Therefore, creating myself as the ‘victim’ through manifesting thoughts of blame towards my mother is self-dishonest and only accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself.
7. I have looked at the construct of blame: Me stating that SHE’S the fault and that SHE’S the problem in my life actually reflect within me, that it is ME that is mistaken and that I am my own ‘problem’ in my life as it is me that is directly self responsible for what I experience within me and my world and it is me that is the directive principle of me in my world.
8. Therefore, in me acting in deliberate self-dishonesty through creating myself to be the victim through manifesting thoughts of blame towards my mother – indicates me attempting to regain my composure through utilizing my mother as a point to exert out all of my suppressions – of not standing up and taking responsibility for me, but accepting and allowing myself to continue existing in deliberate self-dishonesty.
9. Thus, I’m using the creation of me as a victim through manifesting blame towards another – to continue existing in and as my self-defined dishonesty of ‘acting out in suppressed emotions/feelings’ to/towards another.
10. Therefore, in self honesty: I am not the victim, I am the accepted and allowed cause of such experienced with my mother as how it always end up – because of my direct accepted and allowed participation in always expressing/reacting towards her in the exact same way.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I am accepting and allowing myself within deliberate self-dishonesty – create myself to be a victim through deliberately manifesting thoughts of blame towards my mother such as she being the fault and the problem in my life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I am only deceiving myself through accepting and allowing myself to create myself to be a ‘victim’ through manifesting deliberate thoughts of blame towards my mother as a deliberate accepted and allowed self-dishonest participated act of me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self-honestly realize that it is indeed not my mother’s fault and that she’s indeed not the problem in my life – but that I am the one that is mistaken, that is my own problem and that blame directed towards her – reflects what I am accepting and allowing of myself within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self honestly see, realize and understand, that it is me that is self-responsible for what I experience within me and my world – no-one is the cause of me within myself – I accept and allow myself to exist as what I do and experience what I am within me and my world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understanding that I am using my mother as a point to exert out all of my inner accepted and allowed suppressed emotions/feelings through in deliberate self-dishonesty, creating myself as a victim within manifesting thoughts of blame towards her – to hide my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty of not taking self responsibility for me and stopping myself from accepting and allowing myself to participate in reactions of emotions/feelings within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I am using the creation of me as a victim through manifesting blame towards another – to continue existing in and as my self-defined dishonesty of ‘acting out in suppressed emotions/feelings’ to/towards another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be self-honest with regards to me actually really not being a victim in it all - I am the accepted and allowed cause of such experiences with my mother as how it always end up – because of my direct accepted and allowed participation in always expressing/reacting towards her in the exact same way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and define me as ‘a victim’ through blaming what I accept and allow to exist within me, and of me towards another – to so in such a self-manipulation tactic, accept and allow myself to continue existing and hiding in accepted and allowed self-dishonesty of participation in reactions and acting in such reactions in always the exact same way.

Practical Corrective Action to be taken:

Question:
How am I to take self responsibility for me, to no more accept or allow myself to always act out and express my suppressed emotions/feeling towards my mother in the exact same way; and also so stop accepting and allowing myself to utilize the creation of me as a victim through manifesting thoughts of blame towards her to hide and protect my accepted and allowed self-dishonest existence?

I’m able to stop the entire experience as conversation with my mother always leading to and ending up in and as the exact same way – through simply in the beginning of the conversation when I anticipate the conversation leading into and as the exact same route – stopping myself from accepting and allowing myself to react in emotions/feelings – and speak here only in and as self honesty, stable here as breath = NO ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED REACTION.

From here I stop every and all ‘play-outs’ from how it always ended up – through changing me within the beginning of such a conversation.

Therefore, to answer my own question with regards to why I haven’t stopped when I already knew/anticipated where the conversation will lead to and end – is because of me deliberately wanting to continue participating in my self-defined dishonesty of exerting my suppressed emotions/feelings out on my mother.

This is proved through me creating myself to be the victim through manifesting thoughts of blame towards her – when I know/understand that I’m self responsible for me and what I accept and allow to exist in me and experience within me and my world.

I am no more to accept/allow myself to create myself to be a victim through using thoughts of blame towards her – and take self-responsibility for my actions that I accept and allow to manifest as me through accepted and allowed continued participation in reactions existent of me as emotions/feelings.

Taking self responsibility through no more accepting/allowing myself to participate and act out in emotions/feeling reactions – because I know the consequences it manifests for both myself and my mother.

I will no more accept/allow myself to justify my actions through hiding behind creating myself a victim and blaming my mother – using her actions as a means to justify the ends and immediately stop myself when I realize/see I’m deliberately acting irresponsibly in self dishonesty through acting out in emotions/feelings of mind.

I have already noted to myself that I will be investigating the accepted and allowed suppressions that I accept and allow myself to exert unto my mother – to stop such accepted and allowed deliberate self-dishonest self deception.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop myself immediately from participating in reactions of emotions/feelings when I already in the beginning of the conversation anticipate and can detect where it may lead to and eventually end.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to adhere to my own forewarning within myself, from the perspective that I can already see where the conversation will lead to and eventually end, because of my accepted and allowed participation will actually stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to respond towards her in the ways and manners I always have, which directly influence the outcome of the conversation.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that the reason for why I haven’t stopped myself from acting in and expressing the exact same way as I always have within such conversations with my mother that always end up in a fight – because I didn’t want to, as it support my accepted and allowed self-defined self dishonesty of exerting my suppressed emotions/feelings out on another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that in me stopping myself in the beginning of the conversation from accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-dishonest suppressed emotions/feelings – I change me and thus have the directive self-responsible ability – to change the outcome and experience of both me and my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that in me creating myself to be a victim through manifesting thoughts of blame towards my mother – proves to me that I haven’t wanted to stop the conversations with my mother ending up in a fight manifesting the consequential experiences in us both – because such fights support my accepted and allowed self-defined self-dishonest existence of wanting to exert out my suppressed emotions/feelings unto another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my accepted and allowed self-dishonest expressed actions in emotions and feelings, but resorted to wanting to blame another and deliberately creating me to be the victim – to hide the trust of me and continue existing in my self-defined self-dishonesty existence of me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my accepted and allowed actions in word and deed through stopping me and changing me, when I know what the consequences will be if I accept and allow myself to give into old habits.

Bruce L.
Edited by: Darryl Thomas