Daily Interdimensional Diary:26 October 2008:Part Eight (Section 13)

[Sunette]

Daily Interdimensional Diary: 26 October 2008

God of Man: The Physical: Part Eight (Section 13)

6.
Written Word of Experience:
And at the end – it always turns into an ‘fight’ wherein I yell and scream back as my emotions/feelings surge and eventually walk out feeling horrible, angered and frustrated, because I believed that she wasn’t willing to listen to me at all – all she wanted to do was ‘have it all her way.’

Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yell and scream back when the confrontation/conflict situation/event between my mother and I eventually turns into a fight.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and act in and as my experienced surge of emotions/feelings which I express within the manifested expression of me as yelling and screaming when the conflict/confrontation between my mother and I turns into a fight,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eventually just walk out, because of the emotions/feelings that surged and manifested within me, within and as which I yelled and screamed becomes too much, and I eventually ‘give in’ because of it – giving up on the entire event/situation and therefore walk out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk out when in the face of my mother within the experience of myself in a conflicting/confrontational situation/event that turns into a fight.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as feeling horrible, angered and frustrated after walking out of such a confrontational/conflicting event with my mother that turned into a fight – because I experienced within me the belief that she wasn’t listening to me at all, and that all she wanted to do was ‘have it all her way.’
Insight/Understanding/Realisation:

Questions:
What is being revealed of me as what I am accepting and allowing to exist as me, within me yelling and screaming back at my mother as my emotions and feelings within me surge?
What is being revealed of me, as what I am accepting and allowing to exist as me, when after I have walked out, I experience myself being frustrated, angered and horrible?
What is being revealed of me as what I am accepting and allowing to exist within me, within the experience that manifests that it is my mother that wasn’t willing to listen to me at all and that all SHE wanted to was ‘have it all her way’?

Question 1:
What is being revealed of me as what I am accepting and allowing to exist as me, within me yelling and screaming back at my mother as my emotions and feelings within me surge?

1. That I have accepted and allowed myself to continue participating in my reactions within the beginning, which culminated and compounded and in this compounded/culminated effect, ‘it had to come out some way or another’ and that manifested as me acting out this surge of emotions/feelings through the physical expressed act of screaming and yelling.
2. Therefore, I accepted and allowed myself to ‘act out’ the emotional/feeling surge that compounded/culminated within me through yelling and screaming.
3. This indicates also, that I was mirroring my mother – doing exactly unto her as what she was doing unto me. The ‘eye for an eye’ principle, attempting/trying to ‘get back at her for screaming/yelling at me’ – giving myself the ‘right’ to scream and yell at her, because ‘she’s doing it to me’.
4. This accepted and allowed action of ‘giving myself the right to scream’ because ‘she’s doing it to me’ – indicates justification, me wanting to justify my accepted and allowed act of acting out the accepted and allowed surge of emotions/feelings within me through screaming/yelling.
5. Through me yelling and screaming back at my mother as she was yelling and screaming towards me – is me showing myself how I am accepting and allowing myself to be exactly as/like my mother – and that my mother is indeed reflecting me back to myself. But because I’m refusing to see that I live and act as she does – to reveal to myself, what I am accepting and allowing myself to be exactly like my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue the participation of me within reaction of emotions/feelings, which eventually compounded, culminated to such an extent, that‘ it had to come out in one way or another’ – which manifested me acting out the emotional/feeling reactions within the physically expressed act of screaming and yelling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my emotions and feelings as reactions, to culminate and compounded to such an extent that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘act out’ within the surge of emotions/feelings through screaming and yelling.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I was precisely mirroring my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I have accepted and allowed myself within the very accepted and allowed act of mirroring my mother through screaming and yelling towards her as she was doing unto me – accepting and allowing myself to exist within the ‘eye for an eye principle.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that within the very acceptance and allowance of me existing in and acting out the ‘eye for an eye principle’ – I am justifying my own accepted and allowed actions through using her expression as a ‘reason’ for ‘why I may act as she does.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that within me yelling and screaming back exactly as she yelled and screamed at me – that I was showing myself, revealing to myself, how I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as what my mother is accepting and allowing herself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that because I’m refusing to see that my mother is reflecting me, I will be and become exactly as her and do and act exactly as she does – to reveal/show to me, that I am indeed accepting and allowing myself to be and become as my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another can be the cause, the reason for what exists and is experienced within me – instead of realizing that it’s my responsibility for what exists and is experienced within me, and it is through my direct accepted and allowed participation that what exists and is experienced within me – manifest as it does – no-one else and nothing else is to blame = I am responsible.

Question 2:
What is being revealed of me, as what I am accepting and allowing to exist as me, when after I have walked out, I experience myself being frustrated, angered and horrible?


6. I, me, myself is experiencing frustration, anger and ‘being horrible’ within me, myself – yes, it seems easier to blame it on her, to make it all her fault and that she’s the problem – but this is not the state of affairs.
7. I’m feeling horrible, frustrated and angered – therefore, it is directed towards me, I’m feeling horrible, frustrated and angered because of me; because of what I accepted and allowed within me.
8. And what I accepted and allowed within me – is to act out in a surge of emotions/feelings and spoke and said words in self dishonesty towards her that I would not have in a usual ‘normal’ conversation. Therefore, the regret I experience of what I have done and acted out and expressed towards her – manifests the experience of feeling horrible, angered and frustrated: Regret.
9. Regret, because I know within me I was self-dishonest within the entire experience, and she nor I deserved to have to go through such an unnecessary ordeal. Such experiences are more of a ‘load off’ of both our inner suppressions that we take out on each other – leaving us both existing in regret afterwards always.
10. So, I was taking out all of my own inner suppressions on her, acting out all such inner suppressions and projecting them onto her – after which I experience regret within feeling horrible, frustrated and angered. Because I know it was unnecessary, and I compromised her and myself, because of such an acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that the feelings of horribleness, anger and frustration – exists in me, and thus is me, and therefore not-one else is to blame or is responsible, but me, myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to take the easy way out of blaming someone else, making it their fault as though they are the problem, instead of me taking self responsibility for what is existent within me and experienced within me, which is only existent and experienced, because of my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize the simplicity: I’m experiencing horribleness, anger and frustration – therefore, I’m directing this to exist in me because of my accepted and allowed participation in such experiences within me = instead of stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words and express actions towards my mother that I wouldn’t have usually said and done in ‘normal conversation,’ but continued within such a self-dishonest expression – which leads me as experiencing manifested regret within feeling horrible, angered and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that such experiences within me of emotions and feelings ‘after a particular specific event occurred’ – indicate accepted and allowed regret because of accepted and allowed self dishonest acts/expressions towards another that is me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that I existed and experienced regret as me, because of me knowing/understanding what I have accepted and allowed to be done unto another as me, I would not deliberately have be done unto me by another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that such conflicting/confrontational events that end up in fighting – are events that manifest wherein two beings ‘off-load’ their suppressed inner emotions/feelings – that are exerted and projected onto another as themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mother as an ‘inner suppression off-load punching-bag’ – wherein I exert all of my suppressed emotions/feelings out on her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in regret after such an event/experience with my mother – because of me knowing and understanding that I was offloading all my inner suppressed emotions/feelings onto her and within accepting and allowing myself to express/act out in emotions/feelings – speaking words and acting expressions that was unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in feelings such as ‘horribleness,’ frustration and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as regret.

Question 3:
What is being revealed of me as what I am accepting and allowing to exist within me, within the experience that manifest that it is my mother that wasn’t willing to listen to me at all and that all SHE wanted to was ‘have it all her way’?

11. Projection and Blame: Projecting unto her what is existing as me and blaming her to hide what is actually existing as me.
12. Therefore, in me stating,‘she wasn’t willing to listen’ – it is actually me that wasn’t willing to listen. Within me stating that SHE wanted to ‘have it all HER way’ – is actually me that wanted it to go MY way.
13. Because it didn’t go MY way, because I was the one that wasn’t willing to listen – this also added up into the culminating/compounded surge of emotions/feelings – walking out in anger, frustration and irritation – because I didn’t win, and accepted and allowed defeat when walking out.
14. In this accepted and allowed defeat, anger manifested and in this anger I resorted to blaming her and projecting towards her what was actually existing in me and what I was hiding from myself as the accepted and allowed self-dishonesty of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project unto my mother was is actually existing as me, and blaming my mother as an attempt to hide from myself as what exists in me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that within me stating within the starting point of anger, frustration and irritation, that ‘she wasn’t willing to listen’ – actually reveals and shows me that I was the one that wasn’t willing to listen, but projected this unto her – allowing me to continue hiding within my accepted and allowed dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that within me stating within the starting of me as anger, frustration and irritation, that she wanted to have it all her way – actually reveals and shows of me, that I was the one that wanted it to go my way – but projected this unto her, to continue hiding my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty as what I have become.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, that because I was the one that wasn’t willing to listen and wanted it to go MY way – this supported the surge of emotions/feelings within me as walking out in anger, frustration and irritation – because I wanted to win, but didn’t and walked out in defeat.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, the because I didn’t win and walked out in defeat – I accepted and allowed myself to project and blame what was existent within me towards my mother – when all the while it was me that was angry, irritated and frustrated with myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize – that projection and blame onto other, reveal s what I am accepting and allowing myself to hide of me that is existent as me.

Practical Corrective Action to be taken:
How am I to practically assist and support myself to no more accept and allow myself to compound emotions/feelings within me to such an extent wherein I act them out towards another and afterwards experiencing regret – because of suppressed inner emotions/feelings of me, being exerted unto another as me?

I realize that the cause of such conflicting confrontational events is because of accepted and allowed inner suppressed emotions and feelings within me, that I off - load off onto my mother.
Therefore, I am to identify the suppressions existent within me – to no more accept/allow myself to abuse another as using them as my personal off-load punching bag – which leads to unnecessary arguments and consequences for both during and after such an event.
(NOTE: I’ll be returning to this section at the end of this Process we’re moving through now – to give a practical example of how this is done)

The moment I experience the emotions/feelings culminating to the extent wherein I experience ‘I want to yell and scream’ as acting out in physical expression – I stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to act out such emotions/feelings immediately – because I already know the consequences of such accepted and allowed acts.

When I walk out of such an event experiencing regret as feeling horrible, frustrated and angered – I know within me, that I was self-dishonest within and during the event – hence the regret manifesting as me.
I am to identify what accepted and allowed self-dishonest words/actions I expressed as me – apply self forgiveness and self corrective action, to not again accept or allow me to participate in such self-dishonest words/actions.
(NOTE: I’ll be returning to this section at the end of this Process we’re moving through now – to give a practical example of how this is done)

I am to identify what of my mother exactly within such a conflicting/confrontational event as her words/actions is reflecting me back to myself – which I act out towards her – to no more accept/allow myself to have to exist as and become actions/words that mirror my mother, thus I will see what I am accepting and allowing.
(NOTE: I’ll be returning to this section at the end of this Process we’re moving through now – to give a practical example of how this is done)

I am to look at this accepted and allowed nature of me as blame, projection and justification – as that which I use/utilize to hide what I accept and allow myself to exist as – because this is unacceptable and must stop – and immediately stop myself when I see/notice I blame/project and justify and identify what such blame/justification and projection is revealing of/about myself that I am attempting to / trying to hide.
(NOTE: I’ll be returning to this section at the end of this Process we’re moving through now – to give a practical example of how this is done)

Bruce L.
Edited by: Darryl Thomas