School Time 2
In 1991 I had to go on continuing studying at the secondary school, the grammar school. I was nearly eleven then. At that time I began changing my way of thinking and I could´nt await becoming a teenager. With the Iraq War 1 flashing all day and night on the news and Germany becoming one again after over 40 years in 1989 I had my first impressions of the world and took them along with me.
The first school day was very exciting. This time I wasn´t facing my new environment with fear. Everytime it seemed to have come up I grinded it down and it worked. All new faces again with possibilities to make new relationships and so quickly we molt together as one class, somehow community/family like. I enjoyed the first 3 years there.
But then my actions began to change in a manner of total change of myself within myself.
I was about 13/14 then. Meeting new people from the junior high right next to my school, starting listening to heavy metal music and punk rock and starting to drink alcohol occasionally, then after short while whenever we could. My school pulled the shorter straw because I wasn´t doing anything anymore or at least only very little. For a period of time I copied homework from my school colegues early in the morning outside of class shortly before the teacher came to open up the class room. Totaly stupid when I think about it now. But I still managed to keep my marks steady in the tests.
One day I asked my parrents if they would like it if I´d play a music instrument. They were astonished, probably because noone in our family had ever played an instrument. I decided to go into guitars and on my 14th birthday my parents bought me an electric-guitar and a 40W amp. I couldn´t play at all, hammering around on it trying to figure out the notes, so I asked Thomas a pupil in 12th grade and also my Tennis Trainer at the SportsClub for 5 years. He played guitar for quite a while already then and was into the same music as I was. He gave me lessons twice in a week for some small amount of money my parrents gave me. Three months later I was able to play a few chords but started to have difficulties at school in tests. My marks got worse and I had to repeat eightth grade leading to quarrels at home with my parrents who always wanted the best for me.
I stoped wearing my accostomed clothes and when my mum got me those trademark clothes like nike and so on i just didnt put them on , me wanting to wear metal shirts, shirts with messages on them, trousers with holes in them , letting my hair grow. My dad always disliked my way of expressing myself but sure still loved me from deepest heart. But I started to dislike my dad being a soldier but also loving him from deepest heart. With the time I became in a way very anti everything and that expressed itsself in me drinking more outside with my friends and starting to smoke weed, participating in music and jaming alot at youth center with a friend whose parents got him a drum kit. Now he is a police officer , lol , changes. I did nothing anymore for school and when there were fights at home because of my school situation I simply left and joined my "friends" again until late at night. I was forced to leave that school due to bad marks, whilst my parrents had moved a few kilometers out of my hometown because my dad finished army with 55 but then worked as a health and safety advisor for another 10 years holding lessons and so on at the barraks.
I was put into a junior high nearby much more village like than town.
New enviroment , new faces , new ways of thinking. That school was very chaotic. I quickly setteled in here and all the others sympathised with me but in the first few days it was strange in a way. I hoped that they´d like me feeling that feeling I already had before, having to integrate into a new environment.
Chaotic in a way of the differencies of groups. We were all about 16-17 years old in 9th grade then. There was a gang of neo-nazis expressing themselves very extremely, using white shoe lace steel capped boots, bomber jackets, fred perry or lonesdale shirts. Then there was the disco-, chart-, gangster-, fashion- group . A group of russians who always kept in touch with them selves and a few very seperated pupils who always walked alone or made friends with similar people. And then there was me, the punk, the only metal-punk . Astonishingly I always accompanied with every single group of them during the breaks , talking about topics and they´d seem to participate with me aswell. Even the neo-nazi group. Two of them even became quite good school friends with me. Nico and Marcus. I was wearing anti-facism, anti-nazi shirts while talking to them , making jokes about anything at that age.
I seemed to realise that those kids were in a way supressed by something that made them think they had to be thinking in these ways . Although there were quarrels sometimes between the russians and them and the turks and also germans against them it then became normal again and they´d all find a way to manage visiting this strange school. I felt ,somehow, unique there not belonging to any of those groups and then again belonging to all of the them.
The thought of those nazi kids being surpressed by something then became clear to me. It were their parents or older brothers and sisters who made them become those victims of political ideology and always facing trouble because of their expressions.
With an old moped I always drove to my hometown-friends on weekends. Here I felt somehow at home accompanied with them, feeling family-like, not noticing that always having to spend time with someone became somehow an addiction of mine. I never wanted to be alone. When I came back home from school at about 1.30 pm noone was there and i still didn´t do any homework . By myself I often fell into deep thoughts . This also accured during lessons at grammar school . I often looked out of the window loosing the viewpoint , staring, following my thoughts until teachers interrupted me and i had to excuse myself. It still happens to me now.
When my dad came home at 5.30 pm he always asked me if I´d have done my homework but I lied and said :"yes dad". How uggly, how gruesome ! I don´t realy know why I jacked in school, but I guess that it was firstly the world pain I felt from deep inside, secondly absolutely not knowing what kind of job i wanted to do one day because of my thought that every job here on earth assists the negativity of the world, 3ly of wanting to be myself as myself who i realy was, 4ly of my parrents wanting me to be exactly like them with a nice home one day, a nice girl friend, a nice job, a nice car . but i did not want all this . Now I feel desperation , because I actually did not make my parrents happy , as happy as they hoped to be one day when i still was a child .
my grandma became very seriously sick when i was 5 and she came to move in with us for one and a half years . she had various operations in hospital before and all the doctors said she´d only have another half a year to live. grandma till now says, that if i wouldn´t have accompanied her at that time so much making here happy , making her laugh , with she and me playing games and talking to each other ( especially i enjoyed her talking about how it was like during 2nd world war. she was born 1923 , so she was about 16 when all started) she would have died . heavy weighing words in deed . and they´re in my heart. now she is 84, having children again around her. my cousins who spend a lot time with her.
After school time the phases became blacker...
The first school day was very exciting. This time I wasn´t facing my new environment with fear. Everytime it seemed to have come up I grinded it down and it worked. All new faces again with possibilities to make new relationships and so quickly we molt together as one class, somehow community/family like. I enjoyed the first 3 years there.
But then my actions began to change in a manner of total change of myself within myself.
I was about 13/14 then. Meeting new people from the junior high right next to my school, starting listening to heavy metal music and punk rock and starting to drink alcohol occasionally, then after short while whenever we could. My school pulled the shorter straw because I wasn´t doing anything anymore or at least only very little. For a period of time I copied homework from my school colegues early in the morning outside of class shortly before the teacher came to open up the class room. Totaly stupid when I think about it now. But I still managed to keep my marks steady in the tests.
One day I asked my parrents if they would like it if I´d play a music instrument. They were astonished, probably because noone in our family had ever played an instrument. I decided to go into guitars and on my 14th birthday my parents bought me an electric-guitar and a 40W amp. I couldn´t play at all, hammering around on it trying to figure out the notes, so I asked Thomas a pupil in 12th grade and also my Tennis Trainer at the SportsClub for 5 years. He played guitar for quite a while already then and was into the same music as I was. He gave me lessons twice in a week for some small amount of money my parrents gave me. Three months later I was able to play a few chords but started to have difficulties at school in tests. My marks got worse and I had to repeat eightth grade leading to quarrels at home with my parrents who always wanted the best for me.
I stoped wearing my accostomed clothes and when my mum got me those trademark clothes like nike and so on i just didnt put them on , me wanting to wear metal shirts, shirts with messages on them, trousers with holes in them , letting my hair grow. My dad always disliked my way of expressing myself but sure still loved me from deepest heart. But I started to dislike my dad being a soldier but also loving him from deepest heart. With the time I became in a way very anti everything and that expressed itsself in me drinking more outside with my friends and starting to smoke weed, participating in music and jaming alot at youth center with a friend whose parents got him a drum kit. Now he is a police officer , lol , changes. I did nothing anymore for school and when there were fights at home because of my school situation I simply left and joined my "friends" again until late at night. I was forced to leave that school due to bad marks, whilst my parrents had moved a few kilometers out of my hometown because my dad finished army with 55 but then worked as a health and safety advisor for another 10 years holding lessons and so on at the barraks.
I was put into a junior high nearby much more village like than town.
New enviroment , new faces , new ways of thinking. That school was very chaotic. I quickly setteled in here and all the others sympathised with me but in the first few days it was strange in a way. I hoped that they´d like me feeling that feeling I already had before, having to integrate into a new environment.
Chaotic in a way of the differencies of groups. We were all about 16-17 years old in 9th grade then. There was a gang of neo-nazis expressing themselves very extremely, using white shoe lace steel capped boots, bomber jackets, fred perry or lonesdale shirts. Then there was the disco-, chart-, gangster-, fashion- group . A group of russians who always kept in touch with them selves and a few very seperated pupils who always walked alone or made friends with similar people. And then there was me, the punk, the only metal-punk . Astonishingly I always accompanied with every single group of them during the breaks , talking about topics and they´d seem to participate with me aswell. Even the neo-nazi group. Two of them even became quite good school friends with me. Nico and Marcus. I was wearing anti-facism, anti-nazi shirts while talking to them , making jokes about anything at that age.
I seemed to realise that those kids were in a way supressed by something that made them think they had to be thinking in these ways . Although there were quarrels sometimes between the russians and them and the turks and also germans against them it then became normal again and they´d all find a way to manage visiting this strange school. I felt ,somehow, unique there not belonging to any of those groups and then again belonging to all of the them.
The thought of those nazi kids being surpressed by something then became clear to me. It were their parents or older brothers and sisters who made them become those victims of political ideology and always facing trouble because of their expressions.
With an old moped I always drove to my hometown-friends on weekends. Here I felt somehow at home accompanied with them, feeling family-like, not noticing that always having to spend time with someone became somehow an addiction of mine. I never wanted to be alone. When I came back home from school at about 1.30 pm noone was there and i still didn´t do any homework . By myself I often fell into deep thoughts . This also accured during lessons at grammar school . I often looked out of the window loosing the viewpoint , staring, following my thoughts until teachers interrupted me and i had to excuse myself. It still happens to me now.
When my dad came home at 5.30 pm he always asked me if I´d have done my homework but I lied and said :"yes dad". How uggly, how gruesome ! I don´t realy know why I jacked in school, but I guess that it was firstly the world pain I felt from deep inside, secondly absolutely not knowing what kind of job i wanted to do one day because of my thought that every job here on earth assists the negativity of the world, 3ly of wanting to be myself as myself who i realy was, 4ly of my parrents wanting me to be exactly like them with a nice home one day, a nice girl friend, a nice job, a nice car . but i did not want all this . Now I feel desperation , because I actually did not make my parrents happy , as happy as they hoped to be one day when i still was a child .
my grandma became very seriously sick when i was 5 and she came to move in with us for one and a half years . she had various operations in hospital before and all the doctors said she´d only have another half a year to live. grandma till now says, that if i wouldn´t have accompanied her at that time so much making here happy , making her laugh , with she and me playing games and talking to each other ( especially i enjoyed her talking about how it was like during 2nd world war. she was born 1923 , so she was about 16 when all started) she would have died . heavy weighing words in deed . and they´re in my heart. now she is 84, having children again around her. my cousins who spend a lot time with her.
After school time the phases became blacker...
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